Miss me ???

hey !!!!! i'm back !!!!!
been busy studying ... headache @.@ especially law ...
2 down 1 more to go ...
tax paper was fine ..
law paper was ...... damn bad .. damn bad .. so yeah ... not good !!!!!!!
another financial accounting to go .... dont know what it is ... hahahahahaha
will update my blog soon ... =)

YOU affect me the most ..

in some previous post ... i wanted to know what affects my mood the most .. so i had observed my mood swing ... this few days... my mood was perfectly fine ... even though something annoying happen ... ( example : annoying brother doing annoying thing) my mood will be affected but later on it will be fine .. ( won't be long)

today attend class normally... 

mood also normal ....

but mood starts to swing when i see you ...

it doesn't happen immediately but slowly when i starts to think .. 

doesn't mean that i don't want to see you .. i'm happy to see you as i have not been seeing you for some time ... 

you look perfectly stunning and smart .. my heartbeat skips whenever i see you ...

but WHY STILL MOOD SWING ???

this is the reason ... 

whenever i see you .. i can only either see you from far .. or we were being separated by a lot of peoples ... glass  wall ... =.= feels like we can never reach each other .. i cant never talk to you ... 

feels like there is a hard thick wall between us that i will never be able to break through to reach where you belong ... maybe away from you is where i belong ... 

chatting with Emily jie jie last Saturday and Sunday ....

makes me to think a lot too ...

a lot of questions arise in my mind that i wish to get answer for it .. 

the reason of what is happening between us is .. because ....

you actually enjoyed the feeling being loved or do u actually scared being hurt by me again ???

is this the reason why you are keeping me aside ??? 

or .. 

you actually wanted to take revenge on what i had did last time ??

(but i don't believe that you will do so because you are not this kind of person, if you are .. i seriously don't understand you) 

jie jie say ... why not ask him about my doubts bravely ... 

if i were that brave to ask him .. am i strong enough to accept his answer to me ??? will i be able to accept the truth ??? will everything end after i asked him ?? even our friendship ??? or i'll get hurt more ???

Not that easy ... maybe its just because i doesn't want to face the truth ... thats why i choose to hide from it .. 

I guess Lorna ain't strong after all ...

Back to what we are ...

usually driving moment is the time when i think the most ... 

i know its dangerous to do so .. but it happens naturally .. maybe its because i'm alone when i drive .. 

so thought fills up my mind ... 

and i'll start to wonder and think of this and that ... 

while driving back today .. as usual ... my lil car's music player will never be switched off .. cause i just love to listen to song ... and its connected to my phone all the time .. so normally i listen to my fav playlist ... 

haha .. 

actually is to fill my loneliness 

when the song BACK TO DECEMBER, Taylor Swift.. starts to play ... 

a strong emotion affected my feelings ... 

the lyrics once again cause my wound to bleed ... 

why does it reflect what happen so much ???


i'll tell you why ... 

You've been good busier than ever .. We small talk ,work and  the weather .. 

we didn't really talk to each other since that day .. we do chat sometimes in msn ... but its all about .. college .. your work ... assignments ... random stuff .. but nothing related to us .. its all about you or me ... the word us doesn't exists anymore ... 

Because the last time you saw me .. Is still burned in the back of your mind ..

what i did last time hurt you deeply .. you hated me for some reason which we both know ... i'm selfish in treating you badly... not loving you as much as i could ... never blame on what you had did to me now ... 

You gave me roses and i left them there to die .. 

remind me .. on presents that you had gave me ... roses ... a mickey mouse key-chain and a necklace ... 

which i didn't appreciate last time ... looking at the necklace now wishing you were right here with me .. hugging me .. telling me that you still love me ... 

It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you ... Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine ...

to realized how lucky to have you in my life last time .. if thing would change .. i'll appreciate you ... 

I go back to December , turn around and make it alright .. I go back to December all the time..

if i would go back to the past .. or to restart something in life .. i would restart everything between us .. and i promise to love you with all my heart and will never let you leave ...  

You gave me all your love, and all I gave you was goodbye ...

when you try to hold me tight .. all i did was to let go and to give up on this relationship .. i had never thought in saving this love and make it last ... i regretted ... 

I miss your tan skin, your sweet smile.. So good to me, so right .. And how you held me in your arms that September night.. The first time you ever saw me cry..

even though you are not tan .. i miss you .. miss the moment when we chat every night on phone .. missing your hugs ... missing you every day and night ... because of this tears visit me often ... remember the first time you saw me cry ?? was in the library ... you told me you wish to hug me tightly that moment ... but know all i can do is to cry myself to sleep ... without you knowing .. 

Maybe this is wishful thinking .. Probably mindless dreaming .. But if we loved again, I swear I'd love you right ...
i do wish to be with you again .. some may say i'm naive but .. i still love you .. and i'm still waiting .. 

This is me swallowing my pride .. Standing in front of you, saying I'm sorry for that night .. And I go back to December ..
if i have a chance ..i wish i could apologize to you and wish you would forgive me for what i did in the past ... 

I LOVE YOU ...

and this is why i love this song ... 
♥

another emo post ...

another 11 days till exam ...
but i have not start a single thing ..
ready to die ???
i feel so confused ... complicating feelings ...
try to listen to songs to calm down ...
but seems like every songs are related to you ...
each and every word in the lyrics reminds me of you ...

sorry

ARGHHH !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

second post of the day .. 

not a good sign ..

i'm stress enough ...

emo enough ..

headache enough ..

and yet ..

you still disturb me ... 

how many times i had told you about my feelings ... 

it doesn't work means it doesn't work ...

i got no feeling towards you .. and please respect my decision .. 

please respect me that i have someone who i love ...

and you clearly know who the person is ... 

its not about giving chances to others .. 

but feelings that matter ... 

i feel bad after telling you no .. after reject you again .. 

i feel guilty too ... 

shit .. can you not spoil my day .. when it is already not good ???

please just let me breathe normally for a day ...
you know very well that there is no way for our relationship as friend to go any further ... 

nothing more than a friend ...

and i'm sorry for hurting you again ...

you make it so hard for me ...

i hate to say no ... 

but you force me to do so ... 

i'm sorry once again ..

that i can't give you anything ..

because my heart is still occupied by the same person ...

someone who i love ...

no idea on what i'm crapping ... =.=

sometimes i might wonder ... why can't i get what i want all the time ... why can't i get whatever i wish for ... everything that i love .... one example is .. why can't i be with the one that i love ... where else some that i don't love keeps trying to be with me ( i'm not trying to show off here) its always been like that ... those that i don't want will stick around while those that i wish for will never stay .. DAMN IT !!!!!
i guess this is what life all about .. things that easily come will never be appreciate ... so have to work hard for what is desired ... complicating life ... feels tired sometimes .. but what to do .. still got to stand strong and deal with it ... got to smile even in pain ... got to laugh even not in mood ... hahahahaahahahahhahahahahahah ...

ARGHHH !!!! does this consider as wearing mask ??? is this fake ??? maybe ... i'm wearing a mask all the time ... to hide my .... haiz ... no point saying it out ... as no one understand ... all i can do is to write it out .. thank you blog ... thank you for listening to me all the time ... thank you for being with me whenever i need you ... BLOG I LOVE YOU !!!! obviously i'm crazy and out of my mind


sometimes really doesn't know how to deal with mood swing ... doesn't know how to control temper ... doesn't know how to dry up my tears ... DO YOU REALLY AFFECT  MY MOOD THAT MUCH ???!!!! never thought of that ... shall take note ... as to whether .. what affect my mood the most ... i'm currently facing high level of stress .. another 2 weeks to exam ... i know 0% of law , tax and fa ... good job lorna , for not paying attention in class ... i shall see how i suffer this semester ... and still not have any mood in studying ... haha ... i think i should be studying rather than crapping here .. but no choice .. i need place to let my anger and worries out ... how am i suppose to study for 3 subject in 3 weeks ???!!!!!
=.= haiz ... headache ...
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