My good news and bad news

after all .. i'm back to nothing again .. \

I got good news and bad news ..
good news . I got First Class Degree !!!!!
haha .. something that I'm proud of myself ..
all the hard work pays off  ... this is the biggest achievement in life ..
I'm happy for myself ..

here come bad news ..
I'm officially heart broken again ..
yup .. I gave up on him ... same as him ..
he felt that he is not the one I want .. and I deserve better ..
maybe he is right .. I deserve someone better than a jerk that is afraid of taking up responsibilities ..
or .. the other part of the truth is .. he think he need someone better than me ..
of course who don't dream to have a barbie doll girlfriend .. I wish you luck if barbie doll is what you want ..
whatever it is .. is not my problem anymore because I had did what I should and I wont regret about it ..
I should be crying now .. but I didn't ..
if you think it doesn't hurts .. then you are wrong .. it hurts badly ..
maybe the tears are not ready yet .. but somehow ..
I feel like crying too ..

after awhile ... I do a lot of thinking ..
I achieve pretty much of thing in life ..
one thing I'm very proud of is study ..
second thing is I'm proud of who I am now ..
third I'm proud of the ability that I have in taking care of my family .. after so many years .. I think I did pretty good job in taking care of them .. I can cook ... I can do housework .. I can do a lot of thing .. that some guys cant even do ..
forth I'm proud of how responsible I am in being who I should all this while .. maybe this is one of the reason why guys can't handle me .. I'm too independent and tough .. I handle everything on my own ..
fifth I'm proud of Lorna ... because .. she falls and stand up once again .. she falls and stand up again .. she learn and become stronger .. I love you girl .. because you are strong ..

but one thing .. just one thing in life that still sucks .. love and relationship ..
one thing that I fail the most .. is this ...
why ???
am I really that difficult to be with ?? or actually I'm too good and made people feel that they can't be with me ??
all I need is someone that can share part of me .. someone who care and love .. that's all ..
but it seems difficult ..
I'm tired to stand all by myself ..
I need someone ............... but its difficult ..



Lornalsq

The Last Embrace

memories with you .. kills me ..
I can't let go of moment that I spend with you ..
I tried to let go ..
your birthday was the last thing I promise myself to do for you ..
I promised myself to walk away but I CAN'T !!!!!!!!!!
I really can't .. the more I try the more I fall .. the more I hurt myself ..
I miss you even more ..
after your birthday our messages became lesser then less ..
will it soon be none ???

I waited quietly so that you won't know I was crying inside ..
I live my day wondering what you are doing and my night dreaming about you ..

one of the memories with you that keep me alive .. is ..
the moment we were at pd .. you hug me in you warm arms ..
I feel secured and safe in your hug .. that hug didn't last for long but its enough for me  to remember for the rest of my life .. its so warm and lovely to stick to you ...
you might not remember .. but is ok .. because I do ..
If I can choose .. I choose to be in your arms for the rest of my life ..


Lornalsq

Everything, Something, Nothing ...

when we first met .. 

'we' were everything ... 

we share a lot thing .. we talk a lot .. we care for each other a lot .. we be by each other side a lot .. 

when time goes ... 

'we' become something . 

you care less about me ... we talk lesser than usual ... you tend to reply my message lesser .. we spend lesser time sharing things ... 

when problem hits .. 

'we' turns into nothing .. 

you don't care ... you ignore me ... I became your nothing .. its like i'm invisible or never exists in your life ... 

why ?? 

every suffering and pain start from a kiss that leads to complication ... 

never fool me ... I ain't a toy that you can play when you are lonely ... ain't a game you play when you are bored .. neither a joke you can make ... 

you said you got feeling ... 

maybe is just to make me feel better .. 

but i'm pretty sure i felt worst than before .. 

I don't need sympathy

while I am struggling with emotional ups and downs ..
you asked me to be happy ..
how should I smile when my heart is bleeding once again ..
you save my heart but now you break it again ..
I don't need you to pretend that you care for me .. pretend that you have feelings for me ..
I had enough of sympathy in my life ..
I don't need you to pretend so that you think I could feel better  ...

its the end again ??

I placed my last hope on this trip ...
I didn't expect much from this trip .. because I don't want to end with disappointment ...
All I hope for is we could enjoy the first trip or maybe the last trip together ...
Seeing you laugh and smile is the happiest thing I could ever imagine ..
My last hope on you ended this morning at 11 something ..
One of my best friend .. said I should get things clear between you and me ...
if you didn't show anything that you want to be with me ..
then I should get to know the truth what is going on between us ..
I can't live in silence when you drift away quietly without telling me what happen ..
I can't stand watching you leave me without knowing what I did wrong ..
I can't get my heart broken again .. who give a damn ?? its shattered again ..
When I thought you give me the new reason to live .. you took it away again ..
why is this happening again ?? this is the third time ..
you change in silence and you didn't voice out the problem till I asked ...
you stop being nice to me so that we won't fall more for each other ??
what bullshit are you giving me ??
all this is resemble .. sentencing someone to death without a reason ...

this time .. problem was ..
people around care to much for me .. and you are afraid that they would blame you for not treating me well ..
oh well .. is this my problem too ???
why ??

every time I found a reason to smile .. you will take it away from me again ..
i'm gonna wake up everyday without a reason to live once again ..

I thought you walked into my life to stop my tears ..
but i'm wrong ..
you leave me in dark again ..

why is all this rubbish happening all over and over again ??