What's love ?

Dear blog, 

Approximate 5 months ago, one of my bestie fell in love and built up a relationship with an ordinary guy ... She used to have a list of requirement of potential boyfriend but you know what feeling win over a set of requirement ... She choose feeling over potential requirements ... Honestly I thought she made the right choice ... Because what's the point of being in a relationship without any real feeling ... 

Today it's 3 days before their 5th month anniversary and they broke up ... It's a waste because relationship requires a long time and trust to be built ... And what hurts the most is to see both of them not appreciating the love they have in each other ... Because of ego they both choose to let go of love ... Compromisation is what they lacked of ...

As her bestie, I don't think I should side any of them ... Anyhow is their relationship and there is no right for me to say anything ... That's why I'm here to write on how I feel ... 

Within this 5 months , I'm always, not all the time but most of the time being with them ... I see how my bestie fall in love deeply everyday ... I can see she smile wider each day ... But at the same time I see how her smiles turn into frown as days pass by ... 

The first three months ... Or the first 100 days known as the lovey dovey period (crazily in love days) things were fine between them ... They fall in love as fast as lightning ... Be with together just few days after knowing each other ... Life together for the first few weeks is going to be interesting because there are too many things to share with each other ... Things tend to be less flavourable when you get to know each other ... And things become tasteless when your are used to be each other ... This is when Compromisation take place ... And to make an effort to fall in love again ... Relationship is about falling in love with the same person all over again and again and again ... This is how it works ... If you don't then this relationship won't bring you anywhere ... 

 

Love is not about forgetting or ignoring the other half's weakenesses but also to accept and compromise with it ... Love is not fairy tale as happily ever after don't exist in a blink of eyes ... They come with the willingness of two person in building and accepting flaws in their relationship ... Nothing is flawless ... Nothing is perfect ... 

Relationship ain't Lego bricks where they can be built and stacked easily and when you don't like it you can remove any part that is not in you favour or push and break it and be rebuild ... relationships without good foundation can break with a slight push and it's not easy to rebuild it and you can't choose only the things that you like and to remove what is not ... once it's gone, it's gone forever ... It's gonna be such a waste as some people don't even have the chance to love but if you do then appreciate every bit of it ...

Some people are blind in finding a better one ... Some think if this didn't work , I can always find a better one but how sure are you the next one will be the better one ? How do we know whether he is a better one ?  So why not appreciate the existing one, compromise, love more and expect less ?? 

 

During all this while, I see how they love each other, how they tease each other, how they talk, how their little body language communicate with each other, how they look at each other, how they uses vulgar language to call each other, how they always argue over a certain statement, the sweetness in them ... All this little thing that they might not notice as the reason why they love each other ... Because of ego they had forgotten why they were together in the first place , because of own pride they had forgotten how to love ... Why choose pride over love ??

Love isn't about relying on the other half on everything ... Love is about improving with each other but if ones is not willing then no point holding on the relationship as it will ever grow and this relationship will be stangnent ... I see my bestie grow and improve, she became more independent ... Her first time of taking the plane alone just to visit him in jb ... I'm proud of her braveness because I won't take plane alone ... 

One reason for the failure in their relationship is also because of the scarification that they both made and being compared on who did more ... There shouldn't be any comparison ... Because love is not a set of calculation ... Love cannot be expressed in numerical neither has a value ... There isn't a number to compare what you did for each other ... If it does have a value then it's not love it's an exchange of needs or system barter ... 

Both have faults ... To continue with this relationship or to let go depends on whether you both willing to work it out ? To compromise ? To love unconditionally ? To forgive ? To go through shits together ... 

Dear bestie, if you happen to read this ... Remind yourself of the love you first have with him and if it still doesn't convince you and there isn't anything that worth for you to give him another chance then I'll respect you decision ... I'll always be by your side and love ya ... 

Lornalsq 

 

Should I ?

Dear blog , 

2 days till new year ... 2013 ends in just a blink of eyes ... Soon gonna step into 2014 ... Feel heavy hearted to say goodbye to 2013 as there isn't any much accomplishment this year ... Hope 2014 will be better !! I can do it !!  

Before 2013 ends, should I give a try ? To chase upon things that I wish I could have all along ? At least if I fail then I'll move on to 2014 with a better me ... Should I ? What if I can't get through the failure and 2014 comes with tears ? 

Sweet dream or beautiful nightmare ?

Been wanting to write up this post for sometime but I've been struggling to find words to describe feelings nowadays ... wasn't easy to write up true close feeling where words are limited compare to the range of feelings that ones can experience ... So how to convey all this messages (feelings) out to people around me? Maybe all feelings should be kept deep in the heart ... Without anyone knowing it ... 

Feelings has been pretty complicated ... So many things for such a small little heart is pretty overwhelming ... I can always lie to the brain , close my eyes not to see it but heart will still feels it ... When heart starts to beat for certain reason , there's no way to stop it ...  Even if it hurts ... 

After so many years , still terrified by those pain that I've been through ... Even though, bleeding stopped , wounds recovered but scar remained .. Everytime you look into ur heart , scars reminds you the experience and pain you've been through ... This shows how strong you are to carry on with life till this moment but somehow looking back at each of it tears you into tiny pieces ... 

Sometimes I wonder should I be grateful to all this heartbreaking experience or to be blaming life now ... Because of its present, I've learned to protect myself from a lot of things ... In fact I've been over protecting myself by avoiding a lot of things ... To be strong or to be weak ? It's the matter of how to go on with all shits that happen ... 

Because of love I chose to avoid falling in love, finding love and expecting love ... Because by not having it you won't get hurt , you won't get the pain of loving the wrong person ... It's painful to love someone that don't love you back ... It's more painful to see the one you love , love someone else ... 

But then the more you avoid something the more you got to face it ... Arranged by the God I think ... The more I want to leave it the more I got to deal with it ... Let's not fall in love ... 4 years after Mr Y ... Fail twice ... Lets not fail in love again ... And I failed to hold on tight to it and I fell recently ... Which is another wrong one ... 

I'm really really tired this time ... Told myself not to do anything but everything fall for a perfect reason ... And the more I tell myself it's not gonna work , the more feelings will grow ... 

The gentleness that you have, the annoying way you are, the care that you have, the humor sense of yours, the way you look into my eyes, the coincidence of us asking the same question together, the way you always hated my sweets but you will still eat it, the way we don't need to talk but still know what to do, the way you smile, the joke that you crack, the way I unamused you, the way you look at me before you wanted to throw rubbish everywhere, the stories that you shared with me, the cincai-ness in you ... Makes me fall everytime without fail ... How to endure with all this attraction ? 

Sweet dream or beautiful nightmare ? Spending time with you is always like a dream, in the end I got to wake up from it ... There is no way not to wake up because I got faced the reality that you like my bestfriend ... Sometimes I hated her because of you ... I cried because she didn't appreciate your existence in her life and all I can is to see you loving her ... How hurtful to stand a place out of your sight, while your sight is only filled with her ... 

But what can I do ? To try my best to get your attention ? To compete with her ? To warned her not to talk to you ? What do I have to do so ? To be honest, I don't think I that I have any ability to make you stay ... To compare with her ... I'm nothing ... And I truly know you will only see beautiful things ... And I'm not ... 

While writing this post so many flashbacks so many memories but I know it's time to keep all this memories away ... It's time to wake up from this beautiful nightmare and to continue with life ... One of my bestfriend used to say never try never know ... But I can't afford to lose him as a friend ... I've been losing too many of them because of love ... Somehow I value each friendship and it hurts when I got to end it because of love ... 

Maybe I should have just continue to dislike you, like how I did in the beginning ... Because things were more simple back then ... To see you to care for her when we are all together ... Hurts badly ... To cry silently at night is torturing ... 

Like I always say I shouldn't and wouldn't fall for guys that fall for her ... I should have hold on to this and things like now will not happen ... Now all I wanna do is to be your guardian angel ... To protect and to love you without you knowing it ... 

I know it's silly but at least that's all I can do for you ... Hopefully one day you will realize she is not the one ... 

Love, 

Lornalsq

Fear

Ola blog .. 

It's 3 days till exam .. 

I realize my hands have been shaking frequently lately .. I'm nervous .. Exam is so near and I'm living in fear .. This few days gonna be difficult ... I'm so afraid that I'm not going to make it ... What if it's gonna be like last semester .. I've been giving all I could but will it be enough for this exam ? 

Have been controlling my emotions lately .. Family problem and stress from studies how could I stay focus ? 

The anxiousness in me can kill ... Will I be able to overcome all this fear and be strong and confident once again ? 

So many things in my heart that I wish someone could share with me .. But unfortunately I got no one to share my uncertainties ... Will you ? 

Panic Attack !!!

Dear blog, 

It's six days till exam ... I'm so not prepared .. I'm full of doubt now ... How should I make use of this 6 days to achieve maximum knowledge intake for the coming examination ? With 2 papers almost done in revising it and one paper with nothing is done .. What should I do ? 

Did I make the wrong decision to give up on one paper ? Will I let my family down this time ? 

Been haunted by my past experience ... How would you feel if you put in so much effort and time but in return what you get not as expected ? 

How to move on and start again ?