Communication breakdown !

Dear blog, 

The heart have been healing because of love but it's also breaking due to the same reason , love. 

Sometimes I wonder is it mine or his problem ?? I realise there's always misunderstanding, arguments and miscommunication ... 

But one thing I'm sure that one day he'll get fed up and leave like how others did ... The more I love him the more I become insecure and protective ... All this will suffocate him and soon he will give up everything ... 

Lornalsq 

Insecurities

Dear blog, 

Sorry I've been posting less and lesser ... It's just that I'm running out of words again ... There's so many thoughts in me that I couldn't express.. I'm stuffed with thinking ... 

It's been 44 days with my dear , everything is sweet and simple . Cherishing every moment I have with him, loving every bits of him and appreciating every effort of his . Been trying to adjust everything so that I can fits him perfectly in my heart . Now he has a very important place in my heart and I love him so so much where no words could describe how much I love him .  

This new chapter with him starts approximately six months ago , as a friend .. Our first meet was a casual dinner with friends and the next day we all went to Langkawi trip together ... It's all started by hating him and I don't why , LOL !! I just don't like his existence in our outings and I even avoid talking to him .. But when time pass I fall slowly and begin to like him .. He's interesting in some ways and special =) When hate turns to love , I've tried finding ways to get close to him ... So many silly ways and tricks just to grab his attention .. As time pass, I slowly realise I didn't manage to grab any of his and I Tried to let go and give up on him ... But out of a sudden who knows we are together one month and two weeks ago ... Maybe all those silly ways and tricks works or maybe that birthday kiss that I gave him does the miracle .. Haha .. I don't know but I'm happy that he is mine now ... And I've promise myself not to give up easily on this relationship , I'll learn to love him till the last breathe of mine ... I'll hold on tight to your hand dear no matter how hard our journey will be , will you ? 

I've been really really blissful now .. Everything things that we have been through, the things that we do and the time we spend ... I'll treasure everything of ours in my heart =) I love how simple our relationship can be ... Dear I don't need fancy and luxury dates, presents or whatever expensive stuff but all I need it's a little attention and time of yours .. By spending quality time with you it's enough to make me happy and keep me smiling ... I'm not requesting to see you 24/7 but at least a little more than 2 days per week .. The longing to see you feeling kills me and it's breaks my heart whenever I had to say goodbye to you .. If I could I'll keep you in a glass display like how people keep their barbie doll so that I could see you everyday =) I like how we exchange our stuff and I like your Tshirt so so much because it's make me feel like you're there when I miss you =) 

I don't usually talk a lot but I enjoy the quiet moment with you ... I know you don't like the fact that I talk less but I'm learning okie ? In silence, I can feel how our heart connect without any words needed ... Sometimes I just don't need anything but only by hugging you could make me smile and feel safe ... Dear if I could show you my heart then you might be able to see how much I love you .. my feelings to you grows day by day and everyday I love you more and as time pass I know I can't live without you ... Dear you're the first one that feeling grows slowly and it's not instant sparks ... And I've been struggle through so many ups and downs to be able to be with you today .. And words can't describe how much I appreciate this relationship of ours because I thought I can never be with you and I'll end up crying myself to sleep and to slowly heal my broken heart but again who knows at then end we are together =) however , I do still be insecure and that's why I've been experiencing emotional breakdown lately ... 

Maybe all this breakdown starts from the nightmare I had weeks ago .. In that freaking nightmare, you told me to let go of you as you don't love me anymore ... 

The more I love you day by day the more I'm scared that what if one day you left without a word like others ? I cannot live with that kind of pains anymore ... It takes a lot of courage and patience to have my heart heals and to love again today .. And I'm sure my heart cannot experience another heartbreak because I seriously love you .. Dear I'm not playing and I'm serious that I do love you ... 

In the beginning of our relationship I've been receiving a lot of distracting and hurtful comments ... Mom said you might treat me as substitution of others and some close friends said you might not be serious and it's gonna hurt if one day you realise the one you love is not me ... Despite of all this bad comments from others I chose to believe myself and you .. I believe in our relationship =) but somehow I need you to prove that you're serious too ... 

but if you know me, I'm someone that thinks a lot but speak less .. I'm always fill with lots of thoughts and sometimes all this thoughts will pull me down a little and eventually I'll breakdown .. And that's why I need you here with me .. I need you to assure me that we are real , make me feel secured and make me believe that this isn't a beautiful nightmare ... Like I said I never thought we will be together so somehow sometimes I'll feel really uncertain whether this is a dream or it's real ?? I'm not sure whether you understand how this feels like but it's like a sweet dream that eventually I'll wake up and realise you weren't there ... I've been through three betrayal in relationship and this make me more insecure ... Sometimes whatever you want me to do, I'll do my best but in return you said you need faces and refuse to do the same makes me feel that you weren't serious .. Because if you do, you won't be bother or care how others think of it and you'll ignore how people see it .. 

I don't want empty words and promises  because I'll rather you not making any promises than failing to do what you said ...  Like what I told you yesterday ... Don't promise me the moon or the stars, just promise you'll stay under them with me forever ...

I've been crying a little this few days and I don't know why ... And I breakdown easily like yesterday ... But all I know is I love you =) 

Lornalsq 

Good News

Dear blog,

How have you been lately ? Sorry for abandoning you for quite some time but ...
I have good news =)
I finally don't need to try =) YAY !!!
I finally found someone that loves me and willing to take care of me .. =)
Will you be happy for me ??

so from now on .. its gonna be a new chapter of life ...
at the moment I'm still finding words to express how I feel ..
only if I could turn thoughts into words ...

Lornalsq

The true you

Dear blog, 

I've been acting weird lately ... And I don't know why ? Maybe I'm confused but I hope one day I'll peel of the mask and be who I really am ... It's tiring but I'll hold on till the very end of it ... 

Lorna 

Meaningless love

Dear blog, 

Lately, I've been posting frequently and this isn't a good sign because posting means I'm sad or there is some emotional disturbance ... 

Seeing people around me to lose love or not appreciating love reminds me a lot of things ... Reminded me my mistakes, regrets and wounds ... But somehow I'm grateful that because of it I became better and learned to appreciate love ... Can't guarantee that I will but I'll try my best to love my another half ... Now all I got to do is to wait for it to come ... 

 

Maybe I'm used to my life now ... Used to not having the other half ... Even though sometimes I wanted one but seeing relationship around me , makes me feel why not remain single ... Even if I'm willing to commit will others do the same ? 

Love are now of no meaning ... Unconditional love ? People thinks that you are naive because love are now a sets of meaningless feelings ... When love breaks no one tends to fix it and most people will carry on in finding a new one ... And when it breaks again , will find a new one again .. And this go on and on ... So come back to the same question what's love ? 

Even though I have someone that occupied my heart at the moment but all this love will remain in the heart ... 

Lornalsq 

2014 New Year Resolutions

Smile New year new life !! 

Didn't write about 2013 success report because I think there are more improvement needed , so yeah I'm going to be better this year and to achieve more .. So let begin the year with resolutions to be achieved ... Only by having goals but not doing anything is of no use so this year it's gonna be a goal striving year ! 

1) take care of the eyes and to maintain its healthiness !! 

2) to spend more time with grandma , mom , dad and family 

3) to lose weight !!!!!! 

4) to finish my acca !!!!!!!!!!!!!

5) go back to meeting and discussion , to be more devoted 

6) to be a better me and learn to let go and to forgive 

7) to travel to another country at least once this year 

8) to earn my own money 

9) improve my English and mandarin 

10) to find a suitable one and not loving the wrong one again 

11) not to swear

12) smile more !! 

May 2014 be the best for me and everyone around me .. Once again .. Happy New Year !! 

A never dream come true ...

Dear someone, 

I've been trying to control my feelings towards you but it wasn't easy to ignore it ... From strangers to close friends ... From hating you to loving you ... From avoiding you to trying to get close to you ... Maybe is the arrangement from the above for me to fall for someone that like my bestie ... It wasn't easy to endure that fact ... Never in my experience that feelings for someone grow and build slowly because all this while I only experienced instant spark ... 

I remembered few months ago ... I met u from my ji mui's boyfriend ... Don't really like you because of the fact that from the beginning you are interested on my another bestie .. I hated this kind of relationship in the gang of friends because it leads to complication and soon friendship breaks ... So from the beginning I avoided being too friendly with you ... Because I thought this friendship will eventually breaks so why make an effort to be friend ... My ji Mui told me that you've asked whether I dislike you to be around us because I wasnt friendly ... 

From the beginning I've been making things clear that I will not fall for someone that like my bestie and will not be with someone that failed to get my bestie due to some complicated reason and experience in the past ... Doesn't want to get involved in such complicated triangle love thing and it's tiring ... Even when there were once where we played truth or dare in my ji mui house, my ji mui's bf ask whether I would considered you, I said NO because of that fact .. But somehow I feel weird why do I feel in such way from the start .. I wonder why am I being harshed to you ... Maybe feelings were there, when I first meet  you ? And that's why I dislike and avoided you ? 

But when time passed by, we spent more time together especially around my ji Mui and her boyfriend , slowly I removed the wall barrier and somehow I realize that I like you ... I feel comfortable being with you and the easiness to communicate with you makes me feel calm whenever you are around ... Especially when I'm always with my ji Mui and her bf, being their spotlight , having you around makes everything's seems fine ... 

The more time spent together the more I fell ... I realize you weren't as bad as I thought you are ... You are a really nice guy that doesn't take advantage over girls, gentleman, easy going, friendly, curious on everything, with sense of humor, caring but sometimes annoying, like to joke around and like to tease people ... Overall I like you as who you are ... 

Days with you in jb give me chances to know you more and the more I know about you, the more I like you ... We seems to be able to communicate well and seems to get closer each day ... I've started to learn little things of yours ... I've tried to walk into your heart but all I see in your heart is my bestie .. Because the more in understand you the more I know what you want ...

As I fell I forgotten the fact that you like my bestie but lately I'm wide awake ... Seeing you getting closer to my bestie by chatting everyday, the day you went out with her only, you comment on almost all of her pictures and asking whether will she be there on every outing, awaken me from this dream ... I realize there is no way for me to get closer to you ... Somehow I realize it's time to make a decision because I just can't wait forever ... 

The last time we all went club together on Christmas eve was the day I thought of confessing ... But I guess the above doesn't allow it to happen and that day you sent me home first ... Normally I'm the last to go home so I thought I might just tell you how I feel and never expecting you to give me answer because I understand the fact that we can't be together .. But plan failed because you send me off first that day ... 

 

On new year eve, I've made the decision to let go of this feelings ... I'll keep all this confession here in this blog and planned to remain friends .. Close friends maybe ? Because there's no room for me to stay in your heart and maybe all this is just a sweet little dream that won't last forever ... I cannot bare with pains anymore neither have the ability to win your heart over nor have the confident to continue to love you ... I cannot stand looking at you loving her ... Been struggling as to whether to walk out another step ... But I came to realize that as long as I walk away but not walk forward by now , I won't ruined this friendship ... Please forgive me for loving you because I fell uncontrollably ... All I wanted now is to keep this friendship till the end =) 

Lornalsq