Dear heart ...

Three weeks till P2 exam ... 

So many distractions again .. Especially the heart ... So tired ... So so tired ... Please give me a break ... Dear heart , please not now ... It's the past already ... You don't have to hurt yourself again .... I don't have the time for all this .. I need to get my mind straight to study ... I need to stay focus ... I need motivation ... I need to let go ... 

Emails

I was cleaning up my emails and found the old emails you sent me ... Now i came to realise that , the beginning of the first email you sent me, was the second chance you gave me .. But my realization was to late .. It took me 3 years to figure that out .. Because all along I thought you were trying to fool me due to what I did to hurt you last time .. Most people says that it's never too late to make things right but what if I don't have the chances anymore .. I've tried but maybe not enough .. Where should I start or how should I start in order to be part of your life again ... 

This few days .. I was being overwhelmed by feelings again ... I miss you but there's no way for me to tell you .. I can't just send you a message telling you that because I doesn't wanna interrupt your life like how I did it 3 years back .. I shouldn't because you were with someone .. Up to now , your life was a complete mystery for me to guess .. Well that what I deserved right ? Well reading all those old email makes me feel like sending you a new one ... But something pulls me back .. I shouldn't I guess ?? So if I could send .. This will be the email .. 

Hey , was clearing my old email and come across all the old emails you sent me . It reminded me of you and make me realise that I miss you more and more nowadays .. How have you been ? I guess life was pretty good for you , at least I hope it was for you . It's been three years. How much I wish I could talk to you right now , but every time I suck my guts up and whatapps you , all I get was a one word reply or a short short reply and nothing continue from it. Why ?

All this years , I wish you would give me another chance to prove to you but like what I said I didn't realise the first email you sent me three years ago was a chance you gave me .. I screwed it and I failed to prove to you .. 

Today when I'm here writing this email , the only thing I wish to do is to apologize to you face to face because this is what I owe you for years and hope for your forgiveness .. I had hold on to the love I have for you till now and I'm sure that I haven't let go of it even though I was being distracted by one new person in life but it turns out that I can't accept someone new because my heart is still occupied by the same old person . Maybe you have moved on and to you I'm nothing in life . I'm stubborn and many people have asked me to move on but feeling won't fade ... What else can I do ? Dear I can't sit here forever writing unsent messages and emails that I wish you would receive ... Somehow I wish I could know how you feel but somehow i wish not to know because I can't face the truth that you don't love me anymore .. 

Lolo

So difficult to control my emotions this few days .. Yesterday I cried for awhile because I was so clueless and in such deep pain out of a sudden .. I was so silly till I ask my iPhone's music player to tell me how you feel about me through songs .. I put it on shuffle mode and swing it to the next song .. Guess what song did I get ? Was so hurtful to get this song but it was a song from Taylor swift , we are never ever getting back together .. I almost died looking at my phone .. Maybe that the truth but that's not what I want .. 

Hmm .. Don't feel like writing anymore ... 

Lornalsq