what is enough ??

i guess every time i log in to this blog and started to write is always the time where i'm sad and unhappy ..
surely something happened and gave me the feelings to write ...
yes .. i'm not in mood again ..
after exam i should be in perfect mood because its so relaxing and stress free ..
but well .. i'm not .. not even a little ...
reading the past few post of mine .. i actually wrote about accomplishment in life ..
i talked about the success of my college life .. yeap .. i'm proud of it ..
but only one accomplishment is not enough ..
i need a balance in life ..
seriously need it ..
few years ago .. i thought i had found someone who i love ... but its not .. struggle goes on till this year ..
and things started to change ..
i found someone who give me hope in life .. but somehow .. i'm not that sure about it ... i doubt myself again ..
this type not doubt about feeling but doubt on my capability in sustaining it .. i guess the problem came back to being not enough ... while i thought i'm actually giving my best .. it turn out to be no ... he cant really feel it ..
im sad enough to know that ... my very best was nothing .. was not enough again ..
so what is enough ?? i seriously got no idea ..

Lack and being not enough is part of my life

will one day same thing happen again ??

sometimes I wonder all this while .. am I really the problem that causes all relationship to end and break into shattered pieces.. am I ????
lack of words is the reason ??? lack of care ??? lack of conversation ??? why do it always got to do with lack and not enough ???
my problem I guess ...
I maybe not have lots of words that could make you feel better and to show that I care but ....
I truly and sincerely care everything of yours ..

Four years in Segi UC

haha ..
remember the first time I step into Segi was 4 years ago .. May 2008 .. after SPM
the first day of college was orientation .. haha
I remembered I forced my mom to accompany me to college and be with me till the orientation begin ..
then I handle the rest on my own .. funny isn't it ?? I'm terrified to look at my new life that time ..
being used to going to school at the same time and seeing the same people during secondary school ..
college is something new that time ..
while I were still being afraid .. orientation was like watching horror movie to me ..
no friends ... all alone .. no one to talk to for that few hours was life's most suffering things that could happen ...
then I meet my first college friend , Charlotte .. cute little girl with big smiles ..
I met her during the time where I wanted to submit some kind of forms for student card .. I peep on her form to see what course she is ... haha .. and guess what .. same course as me .. and yes .. I bravely introduce myself to her .. funny ..
so yeah ..
starting with foundation ..
one year .. happen in a blink of eyes ..
study well ..
first accomplishment in college .. high achiever scholarship offered by college for the first year of my degree course .. and i took up the challenge in achieving gpa 3.8 and above for each semester in order to sustain it ..
continued with degree ... degree in accounting and finance ..
first year ... nah .. still got long to go .. another 2 years to complete .. no worries ..
second year ... still got a year till completion .. cant wait to smell the freedom ...
third year first semester ... getting nearer .. but somehow feel different .. hope time doesn't travel that fast ..
third year last semester ... last day of class (last thursday) .. I look at each of my classmates .. wow girl .. 3 years of degree with one year of foundation .. you had accomplished a lot .. look at the friendship that you build  and bond .. look at the achievement you gained through your hard work ..and you manage to sustain your results at expected results . look at the story of life that you create for yourselves.. look at the four years .. my tears fell ... rolling down my cheek ..
I'm proud of you Lorna !
4 years full of ups and downs but you had never give up .. you had written the BEST story of life for yourselves  ..
you had given the BEST of yourselves to what you accomplished this moment ..
Girl , you have one more final exam which is super duper important for you ..
I'm sure you will pay 100% effort and attention on it ..
I believe you can do it .
Nothing can beat you and make you fall because you are stronger than what you think you are ..
I'm sure you will graduate proudly with your family being proud of you ...
I'm sure you will achieve First Class Degree Honor ..
You will be proud of yourselves  ..
So for now .. keep your head in study !!!


Love
Lornalsq

when this chapter ends .. here comes another new chapter of life .. but who knows what .. so wait ..

Why is love so difficult ?

Can love be easier ... ???
Can relationship be simpler ... ???
Can happiness last longer ... ???
Can sadness disappear forever ... ???
Can scare heal up fast ... ???
Can I smile like how I used to be ???
Can my happiness come back ???
Can my confident come back ???
Can I be who I am ???
Can I breath like other human breath ???
Can I live like other people do ???
Can I be free from what I'm facing now ???
Can I ... Stop .... Thinking .... ???
If I were granted a wish .... The wish will be stop thinking .... At least thg will be simple and easier ...
To smile when you're not happy is difficult . To laugh when you're in pain is torturing . Lying to the world is easy but lying to yourself is harder than reaching stars on the sky ...

Fear of being betrayed ...

how should I describe my feelings now ??
no idea ...
but all I know is fucked up feeling ..
why am I still living in fear ??

Appreciate everything you have ,,,

I remember the last time I fall , I had promised that if I ever fall in love again and able to stand up again .
Then I'll give my every best to the person and to appreciate every moment that I have with him ...

At this moment, I've been appreciating everything that I have so that I don't need to regret anymore .
Life is just too short to regret, to blame, to be angry, to be sad and of course life can be a little bit challenging but I'm sure I'll be able to get through it.
Falling apart once awhile is okay, but I need to get myself together fast because time waits for no one.
I had wasted two years waiting for someone who ignore my existence who forget our promises who does't care.
but I had never regret waiting because of his ignorance I had became stronger and also sees what the world is .
I'm able to look at you and smile now because you has no effect on me . I had move on without you .
Of course , this two years hasn't been good years for me but I fight through it all by myself . I can smile happily looking at it. because I has accomplished a lot through the bad times. this moment I feel grateful that he left because his leaving made me realize that life isn't about staying in the past and hold on just to memories and to hold on to one person who doesn't love me.

more to come in the future so why waste time ? there are people out there who appreciate my existence and love me for who I am . so from now on, I walk out form the past.

the previous post I had feelings were I feel insecure and sad. but I had reassure myself . I won't stay in anyone's shadow anymore and i'll ignore what others say. I know how things works in my life . what matters is how i feel.

I will just enjoy every moment now . breathe and smile like there is not tomorrow. be who I am . be with whoever I wan to be with .. because there isn't any wrong n right in the world . its about how I see it.

I do mind about how people talk about me because they don't understand ...
but is okay ..



Love
Lornalsq

Life isn't about hiding in the past

In life ...
There were times that you feel insecure . There were times where you feel dark and lonely . There were times that you feel everything go against you . Even the simplest thing that happen in your life this moment you will see it as a threat ... Why ???
It is because of you are still afraid of the past ?? Or experience from the past actually still haunt you ....
Things that happened were not under your control but why things happen in the same way as the past ???
When you get afraid ..
You will never see what is in front of you ...
Even when love comes you will never walk into it but away from it . Because you are too afraid that they will leave you just like what other people do to you ...
But why don't you give a try ???
And see what is in the future ..
You might be surprised that things will turn up perfectly..



Love,
Lornalsq