distractions ..

another 16 days to mock exam ..
so many distractions and felt so demotivated ..
at the beginning till now .. never motivated to study ..
what happen to life ..
feel so tired with life ..
feel so lost in life ..
feel so confused of what's going on ..
where are my sources of energy .. where's motivation ..
how many times could I break down and stand up to try again ..
start to doubt my decision ..

Complication in feelings ...

'Hi ...
Long time didnt catch up with you .. How are you ??' <--- one message that I type delete and re-type a hundred times ... Don't have the braveness to hit the send button .. If I did , will you reply ??
It's such a surprise to receive your reply on the birthday wishes that I sent to you .. But that's the shortest conversation in my life ... Hope we could talk more ...

Today after class was having lunch with bestie ..
We're talking about past relationship ...
Talking about what happen between us and why everything ended ..
What happen with the relationship after you and why it didnt succeed ... The answer to the failure of previous relationship after you was obvious .. Im not ready to start another new one because feelings for you were still strong ... Today I realize the reason I fall for someone else last year .. its because he resemble you .. He gave me this similar feelings that you gave me .. But somehow I realise it wasn't the same because its not you ...
Anyway it's so difficult to explain everything with words ...

I hope we could talk and be friends again ...
Somehow I wish we weren't broken but just bend ... At least we can learn to love again ..


Lornalsq

What to do ??

Hi !!
Was wondering about this since few days ago .. Kinda unsure what to do .. Whether to do it or not to do it .. It's his birthday tomorrow (14/4) .. One question should I wish him ? Because all this while either the birthday wishes will be ignore in his fb wall or its invisible to him (which means I didn't send it) .. Wishes being ignore by him was the worst because he will like or reply other people's wishes but not mine .. Sometimes I wonder .. He really hate me that much ?? Or just to avoid conversation with me ..

So this year .. Should I wish him ?? Or another invisible wishes ??
What to do ...???
Should I try whatapps-ing him the wishes ???

Lornalolo

对不起 我却没捉紧你

Before sitting here writing this post .. My mind were fill with memories .. I guess without the need of explaining .. Most of you should know what fills my mind .. After so many years , the last thing I would expect to happen is to meet Mr. Y again ... I mean the last time I saw him was at our college's staircase a year ago .. But I thought that would be the last time seeing him ... All this years missing him is the only thing that I can do but never thought of seeing him in real again .. But whether is fate or whatever it is .. In such an unexpected condition and environment I saw him 11 days ago .. It's like a heart attack, the moment I see him walking out from the restaurant .. The feeling of it, is indescribable and I can hardly breathe .. But due to lack of confident and the untidiness of how I look that day I turn around and walked away ... I don't have the guts to walk to him or even to greet him .. the awkwardness kills .. Because we had stop talking and communicating since years ago ... What if I said hi and he ignored it ... what if I cant control my emotions and I cried ...  So many 'what if' questions appears in a split of second ...

After walking away from his sight ... All I wish was he didn't see me .. If he did, it will be ugly and silly ... But what if he saw me ?? Arghhhh !!! Why in hell I'll bump into him in such ugly condition .. ( normally after a whole day class , oily face messy hair  a lil under dress - need to be comfy for whole day class , tired face !!!! Why ~~~ )

Hmm ... I think after so many years .. He didn't change much .. The way he dress tidily in shirt tie slacks leather shoe ... That kind of neat hairstyles .. The way he present himself ..
I guess the only thing that change was our distances and feelings ... we are now a perfect strangers ...

Feel so near yet so far ... so warm yet so cold ....
I'm once again standing at a corner out of his sight ... Our distances are becoming further and further and there's no way to pull it closer .. But is okay .. Because all this while all I hope is for him to get his happiness ..

After so many days since that bumping into him day .. So many thoughts were wondering in my mind .. Is this a hint of chances ?? Is this a chance to pull our distances nearer ?? Maybe a chance to talk to him again ?? If I did walk over and say hi , will we be friends again ??? Will we be like last time ?? A million of if , maybe , will it , is this and that possible questions ... I should have stop wondering .. but I miss you ..

 if I could .. I run towards you and hug you tight ..

if that's a chance then I had lose it once more ... I guess that the last ...
I'm sorry that didn't hold you tight when you were still mine ...
neither have the confident to win your heart again ...



Lornalsq ..