Sweet dream or beautiful nightmare ?

Been wanting to write up this post for sometime but I've been struggling to find words to describe feelings nowadays ... wasn't easy to write up true close feeling where words are limited compare to the range of feelings that ones can experience ... So how to convey all this messages (feelings) out to people around me? Maybe all feelings should be kept deep in the heart ... Without anyone knowing it ... 

Feelings has been pretty complicated ... So many things for such a small little heart is pretty overwhelming ... I can always lie to the brain , close my eyes not to see it but heart will still feels it ... When heart starts to beat for certain reason , there's no way to stop it ...  Even if it hurts ... 

After so many years , still terrified by those pain that I've been through ... Even though, bleeding stopped , wounds recovered but scar remained .. Everytime you look into ur heart , scars reminds you the experience and pain you've been through ... This shows how strong you are to carry on with life till this moment but somehow looking back at each of it tears you into tiny pieces ... 

Sometimes I wonder should I be grateful to all this heartbreaking experience or to be blaming life now ... Because of its present, I've learned to protect myself from a lot of things ... In fact I've been over protecting myself by avoiding a lot of things ... To be strong or to be weak ? It's the matter of how to go on with all shits that happen ... 

Because of love I chose to avoid falling in love, finding love and expecting love ... Because by not having it you won't get hurt , you won't get the pain of loving the wrong person ... It's painful to love someone that don't love you back ... It's more painful to see the one you love , love someone else ... 

But then the more you avoid something the more you got to face it ... Arranged by the God I think ... The more I want to leave it the more I got to deal with it ... Let's not fall in love ... 4 years after Mr Y ... Fail twice ... Lets not fail in love again ... And I failed to hold on tight to it and I fell recently ... Which is another wrong one ... 

I'm really really tired this time ... Told myself not to do anything but everything fall for a perfect reason ... And the more I tell myself it's not gonna work , the more feelings will grow ... 

The gentleness that you have, the annoying way you are, the care that you have, the humor sense of yours, the way you look into my eyes, the coincidence of us asking the same question together, the way you always hated my sweets but you will still eat it, the way we don't need to talk but still know what to do, the way you smile, the joke that you crack, the way I unamused you, the way you look at me before you wanted to throw rubbish everywhere, the stories that you shared with me, the cincai-ness in you ... Makes me fall everytime without fail ... How to endure with all this attraction ? 

Sweet dream or beautiful nightmare ? Spending time with you is always like a dream, in the end I got to wake up from it ... There is no way not to wake up because I got faced the reality that you like my bestfriend ... Sometimes I hated her because of you ... I cried because she didn't appreciate your existence in her life and all I can is to see you loving her ... How hurtful to stand a place out of your sight, while your sight is only filled with her ... 

But what can I do ? To try my best to get your attention ? To compete with her ? To warned her not to talk to you ? What do I have to do so ? To be honest, I don't think I that I have any ability to make you stay ... To compare with her ... I'm nothing ... And I truly know you will only see beautiful things ... And I'm not ... 

While writing this post so many flashbacks so many memories but I know it's time to keep all this memories away ... It's time to wake up from this beautiful nightmare and to continue with life ... One of my bestfriend used to say never try never know ... But I can't afford to lose him as a friend ... I've been losing too many of them because of love ... Somehow I value each friendship and it hurts when I got to end it because of love ... 

Maybe I should have just continue to dislike you, like how I did in the beginning ... Because things were more simple back then ... To see you to care for her when we are all together ... Hurts badly ... To cry silently at night is torturing ... 

Like I always say I shouldn't and wouldn't fall for guys that fall for her ... I should have hold on to this and things like now will not happen ... Now all I wanna do is to be your guardian angel ... To protect and to love you without you knowing it ... 

I know it's silly but at least that's all I can do for you ... Hopefully one day you will realize she is not the one ... 

Love, 

Lornalsq