dear blog,
sorry for the delay in writing this post .. should be up few days ago but wasn't in the mood to do so.
today is 4th day after results .. I'm still experiencing some emotional disturbance .. I tried not to think too much but teach me how ? 4 years in college ... never in this 4 years that I fail one paper and not matter how difficult that paper was, I maintained it above 60 marks .. I guess never fall never know what's painful ..
I've been telling myself not to expect much this time because of the bad feeling I have during exam .. but how can I not to expect to pass this paper ? each paper is not cheap .. approximate RM 400 for each paper and that for exam only excluding tuition fees .. however, money is not the main problem but the time and effort is.. I place so many time in studying this paper but I end up with nothing .. how can I endure with this kind of failure ?
people around me has been trying to console me .. but every call and messages that I received , I told them that 'I'm fine , don't worry and I'll move on. Will do better next time. Will stand up and fight again.' but who knows I'm not. I've been trying to be as calm as possible , as positive as possible, as happy as I can but it feels like I'm wearing a smiling mask that help me to lie not only to everyone around me but also to myself. I've been telling myself that is ok , I can do it again. I thought I'll be fine ..
I've been stuffing activities into this few days till today .. drinking with friends, lunch, shop, drink again , watch drama till late night so that I'll fall asleep fast without thinking too much. but only manage to stop all thinking for 4 days and today I'm out of control ..
Progress test is in 5 days time , should be studying by now .. but I have nothing in mind . whenever I pick up my notes, I asked the same question , 'what's the point of studying so much ?'
what should i do ? how should i continue ?
No comments:
Post a Comment