people around me who cared how much I bleed and cried for the past relationship ..
they are people who tends to be more protective now.
I appreciate what they did for me because I understand their effort in protecting and preventing me from falling into love traps again ..
they are people who see me struggles through my life in order to be as happy as now ...
if I could be honest with them for once .. it will be ... I'm never happy even though I smile and laugh until I met him .. for those who is close to me .. you will know who is he ..
Want to know why ?
I believe so much in faith .. if you guys understand ..
everything that I do , I feel and I care is all about my feelings ..
I do what my heart tell me to do .. if my hearts start to beat for him and my heart finally found a reason to be alive .. I know my heart is telling me to go after it .. and its time to leave the past alone ...
but somehow ...
things won't really last in my life ..
that's why I am afraid ..
I'm afraid love will betray me once again .. leaving me in miserable .. it's not easy to go through everything again .. I believe people who gone through what I've been will understand .. of course .. not all love story are alike .. but mine never have happily ever after .. mind concept I guess .. I'm being brought up seeing love won't last long ..
when I was a kid .. I thought all love story are like fairy tales .. so perfect when you found your prince charming and they both live together happily ever after ..
in reality .. now .. love story as in fairy tales doesn't exists anymore .. due to lots of different needs in life ..
some people need luxurious life, some needs adventurous lifestyles and freedom in life .. love are now more to satisfying needs and wants of others ...
but somehow .. I do believe there are true love .. two people who love each other without conditions .. not giving and receiving the same amount of things from others .. ones who willing to sacrifices time and effort to make the love last .. perhaps forever... but this is rare .. I hope someday I can manage to do the same ..
finding the man who love me and I love him for who he is .. and we both make an effort in sustaining the love we have and to share the rest of our life together with endless love .. naive you might say but I do believe I can find one which belong to me ...
all I ever wanted was someone who understand what I want ... someone who understand my life .. because my life wasn't as easy as how you might see .. you might think I'm rich and having an easy life with plenty of money and maids at home and ten or twenty credits card for me to shop and no worries in earning money for future cause I got a filthy rich father and I have the money to spends for life .. WAKE UP !!!! cause I'm not what you think I am ... I'm just a moderate people .. with moderate lifestyles .. no maid no money no credit cards .. I have what is just enough for me to survive over ..
love is the simplest thing I hope for in my life .. all I wish is to have someone by my side to share my everything .. but when I thought this is a simple wish, the reality tells me its not simple at all .. love should be simple and easy but its not anymore .. the presence of jealousy, unfaithful, anger, emotions , untrustworthy and such cause love to gets complicated... and sometimes .. all this negativity over shadow love that exists and when all this negativity gets the power to overwhelm your feelings .. you tends to leave the relationship.. but beneath the heart you still have the love but not the courage to admit... why ??
beneath my heart .. there are always a lot of untold stories because I don't have the courage to say it out .. this causes a lot problem I guess .. family, friends, relationships .. and such .. but all I ever thought was .. voicing out causes more problems which I don't want to face it .. you might say I'm a coward .. I had enough of problems in life .. I wake up everyday telling myself today will be fine .. but its not .. I deal with lot of it in every second of my life .. I'm tired ..
but now .. people telling me is time to express myself .. HOW ???
I struggle with this problem too ...
I guess I had been walking in circles but didn't really answered the first question ..
When I first met him .. the connection was there .. when we get along .. we are able to communicate .. its a strange feeling that I cant describe with words .. that was 2 months back .... when I first met him ..
when time pass .. we get to know each other more .. of course .. when time pass you will see more strength and weakness in the person .. but I never ignore his weaknesses because I know his imperfection make him perfect .. I adore his theory of life ... from him I learn .. he never rush me into things .. He always says .. we should take time into knowing each other before being into a relationship .. somehow .. I wasn't that into waiting for us to get to know each other because this will take up a long long time .. but in me I know what he say was true .. if you don't understand the other person how do we communicate in the future ..
understanding is important for a successful relationship .. however, when I started to believe and embrace what he say .. as in to get to know each other and we will see what happens in the future .. people around me tends to be worry of it .. Will he break my heart and I'll end up with nothing again ?? or he is trying to fool around ??? or is he trying to make me his toy ?? this is what all they are concerned about ..
their concern had influenced me too .. when I get used to what he said .. I'm living everyday looking forward to understand and to know him more .. other peoples thoughts had pull me down .. I start to believe what other says about him .. he is not being serious .. and yes problems appear .. I start to doubt his trust .. and I create more problems out of it .. I made myself being unhappy .. I made him stress out .. but I really don't mean to add his stress ..
he once told me .. whenever I have doubt I should go directly to him and ask .. but now getting a third party opinion .. create more problems when the third party doesn't know a thing about us .. maybe they know a little but sometimes .. human nature .. being a bit selfish .. they turn everything around .. and I'm someone who easily get confused by other's word .. this causes more problem when there is actually no problem at all ..
somehow , after yesterday I realize I'm the one who valued this relationship too much .. I get what he wanted to tell me yesterday .. maybe in his eyes .. I'm just another friend of his .. but in me .. I treated him more than that .. maybe that the problem .. I've been doing too much and thinking too much .. when we were just friends .. I know what to do now .. I'll remind myself we were nothing more than that .. I guess this would be the easiest and painless way of solving it .. all I can do is to hope things get better in the future ..
anyway ..
for those of you that care ..
I'm okay .. even though I cried a little this morning not because I'm sad ..
but is to release what is kept in me for some time ..
tears are always difficult to be kept ..
so I let go of it ..
I'm fine now ..
and sometimes .. I hope .. this things should only be discussed between me and him without the interference of others .. I'll wiser now .. so please let me choose my own path .. I know what he is .. and no matter what feeling towards him will never be a lie .. its real and I hope this feeling could grow one day between us ..
so don't worry about me ..
thank you my dear family and friends .. I know you guys are the best .. but sometimes ..
its time to let me fly and be who I wanted to be ..
I'm a big girl now ..
every happiness that I wish will come with sadness because they are in a package .. without sadness you wont's appreciate happiness .. therefore, be happy that there is sadness in life because they have their point too .
Love you guys to the very end of my life ..
Thank you =)
Love,
Lornalsq
ps: i think this is the longest post ever . haha
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